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Heavy Metal


Monster Energy Heavy Metal

Cost: $2.50 32oz

Taste: 4

Power: 9 (if you can actually manage to drink the whole thing)

The good stuff: Taurine, Caffeine, Ginseng, Guarana



  So it’s a new Monster drink….and it’s a big ass one to boot.  32oz of Monster Energy goodness?  Not quite.

  Heavy Metal can best be described as a malt liquor that sucks….seriously.  The first thought that came into my head was “This tastes like a crappy alcoholic beverage without any of the fun associated with drinking said crappy alcoholic beverage.”  For Christ sake, even something as nasty as the Budweiser/ Clamato combo (yes, it’s a real drink you can buy in a can) at least has the pleasant side effect of getting your ass drunk….but not this stuff…hell no.  It’s like a bad Zima (if you can picture Zima being worse) with none of the kick.  Think limes…rotten limes with a cheap malt liquor aftertaste, a slight hint of the original Monster Energy, and you’re about on track.  Nasty stuff man….really nasty stuff.  To make matters worse, there are 32 freakin ounces of this crap.  Yes, that’s right….I’m actually complaining about getting MORE for my money.  I just can’t help it, I really despise this stuff.....32 ounces you freakin bastards...evil, evil bastards.  It's like they new it wasn't going to sell so they said "We need a bigger can Bob....we gotta move this stuff out before it's to late!"  Hell, this crap even looks kind of nasty.  It’s like a milky fluorescent green…sort of like a Predator needing to be on dialysis took a piss in  my can.  So far the only redeeming quality is that it didn’t cost $5.00 and I won’t feel bad for not finishing it (though you know I will for the sake of the review.)  The name “Heavy Metal” is not so much indicative of the taste being associated with music that rocks, but more of what’s behind the scenes of music that rocks.  Think the sweat, dirty  sticky floors, skanky chicks, a bit of vomit, overflowing trashcans, beer soaked tables, and wet cigarette butts.  That’s what this crap reminds me of….nasty, dirty, unsexy Heavy Metal.

  Power wise, you’re ok….if you drink the whole can.  But that’s like saying I’ll make sure you stay alert by sawing off your leg with a rusty saw.  The pain involved with getting the desired result is just not worth it.  Plus, drink 2 16oz cans of anything else and you’ll have a bigger kick.  Hell, grab 4 Red Bulls, 2 Sobe No Fears, or better yet, 2 16oz cans of Go Fast and have a stronger kick you actually enjoy getting to.

     The bottom line here is that this stuff sucks….it needs to die a horrible death and be gone.  Monster has much better choices on the market, so be smart and grab something else…ANYTHING else….you have been warned.